(no subject)

[hallavaris]

I've stayed at home all weekend. It's a beautiful weather out there but I feel tired. I don't feel like doing anything. Maybe I should go to a meditation evening at the Nature House. I really don't know. Maybe it would be exactly what I need now. Then come back home and take a bath.

It's been a strange weekend. Two old fiends contacted me. I had not heard from them for two years at least. Of course it was kind of nice but I must say I felt more awkward and exhausted than happy. I really like those people but I just feel I have no time or energy for more people in my life. How could I tell them I was happy to have a break from them, that I do not have energy to talk on the phone or time to meet them.. That I rather be alone and do my little things...I feel rude & cruel and very selfish to think this way. I find them both very interesting people and I wish them well but right now I am not interested in  keeping in touch. That is one of the reasons why I like lj. I can keep in touch with friends without feeling utterly exhausted. I know it sounds pretty bad to put it this way but it is the truth. Even if I love my friends I really have no energy, time or strength to keep regularly in touch if I can't do it like this.. I have no problems in being in touch with those I have a very special & deep connection with but there's lots of nice and interesting people I really like but do not feel emotionally & spiritually close to. Maybe I'm a very selfish and bad person but this is who I am and right now I have no wish to change it. I am a private person, an introvert who for some weird reason has lots of friends and a lively social life. I am and always have been very conflicted with it. I do love my friends and love to spend time with them but at the same time I get easily exhausted and prefer to be alone. My closest friends understand this side of me for sure and I hope they don't feel rejected or disappointed when I cancel meetings and prefer to stay at home when I feel I need solitude & rest. But how do I explain it to people who wish to see me and do not understand the way I am?

Comments

[nettlefly.livejournal.com]

It's really interesting how different ways people have for their "own" time; the time they use to sort of rest or get back to themselves or however one might describe it. Some seem to be able to find rest in doing social things or being really active, I've always wondered how it is done, if it is just a characteristic they have or if one can learn it. Or if one can learn to not need that kind of rest in the first place, even. (The getting back to one's self kind of rest, I mean)

I've realised I cannot stay in touch with people via lj. It just makes this sort of passive attitude way too easy - I can see that in myself and I can see it in others. It's a bit similar to what we've talked about what kind of letters are nice to read; if the other person never reacts to anything the other says, it makes the letters seem like two people aren't writing to or with each other, they are just writing a letter without a recipient, really. The same happens with lj very often.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of passive communication is nice at times and can even be beneficial in some circumstances, but as a main means of communication - meh. I do like computers&using them to communicate but I suppose some means just work better for me than others.

[tindomerel.livejournal.com]

For me it really depends on people I'm with. I mean that with some people I can feel pretty much at ease and their energy & presence do not disturb me at all. I can spend lots of time with them without getting exhausted or start to feel a great need for my own space and solitude. But usually it is only one person at a time and it only works if I still have some moments for myself.. But I mean that with some people the solitary moments I need are much shorter & fewer.

But I am not the kind of person who can use social life as rest & unwinding. I need solitude, time for myself, my things, peace, silence, enough sleep, solitary ponderings, being in nature etc. As much as I like some aspect of social life my potential to take it is very limited and I always need some me-time afterwards.

I did not mean that lj would be my only way to be in touch with all people. And I definitely did not mean one sided lj but interaction via lj. As I wrote I really have no problem in staying in touch with the people I feel a special connection with and with such people lj would never be enough.

What I meant is that with those people I like but do not have a very special & deep connection with I prefer lj over e-mails or meeting because via lj we can keep in touch and know at least the basics of what is going on in each others lives and maybe now and then find some truly meaningful conversations as well but it does no require so much. It does not really make me exhausted.

[nettlefly.livejournal.com]

And of course my comment wasn't a direct answer to anything you wrote, just some thoughts I've had about how I've seen things lately that partly touched the things you wrote about. :)

[tuulikotka.livejournal.com]

I've also wondered how some people get energy from social interaction. But they really do.

I have had a lot of learning to be able to use lj for social relations - not having ever written a diary myself. But I think I've now got it: writing when I feel writing, not writing when not. Likewise for commenting.

Lj is a nice way of keeping up-to-date with other people, and works even when there is no common time with other people. In a way, a lazy method for keeping contacts. ;)

[jademondin.livejournal.com]

i think it's about watching your inner flame. about keeping your energies close to you in this hectic world. no need to feel bad. just make things clear and nobody should get hurt. sounds easier than it is, right?

hope your day turns out well. we have the most beautyful autmnal weather here, today. I finished the journal atc's for you.

[easternsun.livejournal.com]

I definitely don’t think that you’re a bad or selfish person for thinking those things. Or you’re selfish in a GOOD way, for not being willing to put yourself in a situation where you would feel exhausted or resentful that you did something you didn’t want to do. Sometimes I feel like a bad person, because the people I hang out with socially, a lot of times I feel like I’m using them. Using them only for SOME sort of social connections. I’ll hang out with them just for that, and not because I feel a spiritual connection with them, because they’re not spiritual at all. So then I feel awful for using them, especially since they enjoy hanging out with me.

[ilwen.livejournal.com]

You know, I could've written this paragraph and I know how hard it can be when people don't understand this unsocialness I tend to get and feel rejected.
And I got your package, thanks SO much ♥ Will reply this week when Tim has left (tomorrow), I'm looking forward to this pen-and-paper correspondence with you :)

[tuulikotka.livejournal.com]

I am a private person, an introvert who for some weird reason has lots of friends and a lively social life.

That's something I have had a hard time understanding in you. When compared to me, you seem to have a very active social life, with people coming and going all the time. And you have such a large circle of friends!

Regarding "time of your own", I understand you very well, being such a person myself. However, I can take that time also in "anonymous crowds", as long as they are not too dense, that is. I don't work in a "human relations job", like you do, even two of them, so I get also some of that "time of my own" during my working hours.

What am I trying to say? Well, maybe that there are people who need privacy even more than you do.