Work started then. Being back to that school felt as if there never had been a vacation. But the children will not come there before tuesday when the school begins. I am curious to meet them all. A long conversation about children &childhood and youth with ![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aallotar yesterday made me find the love within once more and remember the importance of what I'm doing. Both for the children and myself.
I'll have a peaceful, solitary weekend working on the Nature House papers (=painting & colouring the educational materials about Earth, Water & Air) and cleaning the flat, pampering myself a bit (taking a bath, cooking delicious healthy food and having a massage on sunday) and reading some new mangaaallotar gave me. I feel like listening to music and burning some rose incense. Drinking tea and eating water melon. I'm tired but life is good.
The previous night I could not sleep. I felt the beautiful loneliness.. or should I call it solitude? I'm not sure where the line goes. I was listening to Finnish oldies and reading poems and my cats were always close to me. And I understood why people need pets. It was some kind of a further thought to my ponderings on touching. I do not feel lonely but I was crying for the world. All the old people, all the young people, everyone without friends and human touch, someone to talk to. There is an everlasting sadness in me for the sufferings of this world. Sometimes I do not let it in but sometimes I do and then I cry. Cry for this world even if I know it will not make the sadness and tears end. But to cry it out at times makes me more fertile for love & compassion to grow instead of all this pain. That's what I want to cultivate in myself. Love & compassion. And to do that I must let this world in. I must let people in. I must let hurt, fear & sadness in. And let it rain...
Yesterdayaallotar took me to a party at her friend's place. It was very interesting. In many ways. Like entering a parallel universe that feels both familiar & cozy but also a bit strange and surreal. First of all, the friend who's party it was. I have met him at least 10 times before in parties, events & picnics during the past 2-3 years and he still does not remember my name. I don't know how it makes me feel. I mean I am not offended really because I honestly feel it tells more about him than it does about me but at the same time I wonder.. He is one of those people I might have looked upwards before. A person with a very good self confidence and certainly very positive body & self image and awareness of it. The kind of person who's all charming and talented and knows it. Certainly a kind of person I wouldn't think would pay any attention to me. But to actually hear it; that I have pretty much been invisible & indifferent to him all these times we have met so that he does not even remember my name.. well, makes me feel weird. But I'm not sure what kind of weird. The most interesting thing being that I really don't care. It does not hurt me. It does not make me feel worthless. Maybe, indeed, I have learned something?
One funny (and a bit disturbing) thing about him is that in some ways he has always reminded me quite a bit ofravndaniil. I don't mean they are in any way similar but there is something about the way they both express & carry themselves that is very much alike. And to see this guy is always a bit like seeing a very different and strangely twisted version of D., how I imagine he might have been had he taken his life into a it different direction, that is. I know this sounds silly and I shouldn't compare people to others but somehow these thoughts come to me every time I see this guy so I guess there is something for me to understand. And it also always reminds me of the fact that I really appreciate ravndaniil the way he is. :) I guess this is a bit weird line of thoughts.
What was really interesting about the party was actually all the people. It was like being in a party among my friends even if I did not know anyone. So many strangers that somehow felt like they could belong to my friend circle, they could be someone I know and like and spend time with. So I guess, for the first time in a long time while being out somewhere among strangers "The Creep" did not start to play in my head after a while.. I felt I could belong there and that was rather surprising because even among nice & interesting people I easily feel weird & different and out of place. But it was really nice to talk with strangers. And I mean not just some boring getting to know you small talk but the kind of talk that really gives something, resonates within. It was good. :)
aallotar yesterday made me find the love within once more and remember the importance of what I'm doing. Both for the children and myself.I'll have a peaceful, solitary weekend working on the Nature House papers (=painting & colouring the educational materials about Earth, Water & Air) and cleaning the flat, pampering myself a bit (taking a bath, cooking delicious healthy food and having a massage on sunday) and reading some new manga
aallotar gave me. I feel like listening to music and burning some rose incense. Drinking tea and eating water melon. I'm tired but life is good.The previous night I could not sleep. I felt the beautiful loneliness.. or should I call it solitude? I'm not sure where the line goes. I was listening to Finnish oldies and reading poems and my cats were always close to me. And I understood why people need pets. It was some kind of a further thought to my ponderings on touching. I do not feel lonely but I was crying for the world. All the old people, all the young people, everyone without friends and human touch, someone to talk to. There is an everlasting sadness in me for the sufferings of this world. Sometimes I do not let it in but sometimes I do and then I cry. Cry for this world even if I know it will not make the sadness and tears end. But to cry it out at times makes me more fertile for love & compassion to grow instead of all this pain. That's what I want to cultivate in myself. Love & compassion. And to do that I must let this world in. I must let people in. I must let hurt, fear & sadness in. And let it rain...
Yesterday
aallotar took me to a party at her friend's place. It was very interesting. In many ways. Like entering a parallel universe that feels both familiar & cozy but also a bit strange and surreal. First of all, the friend who's party it was. I have met him at least 10 times before in parties, events & picnics during the past 2-3 years and he still does not remember my name. I don't know how it makes me feel. I mean I am not offended really because I honestly feel it tells more about him than it does about me but at the same time I wonder.. He is one of those people I might have looked upwards before. A person with a very good self confidence and certainly very positive body & self image and awareness of it. The kind of person who's all charming and talented and knows it. Certainly a kind of person I wouldn't think would pay any attention to me. But to actually hear it; that I have pretty much been invisible & indifferent to him all these times we have met so that he does not even remember my name.. well, makes me feel weird. But I'm not sure what kind of weird. The most interesting thing being that I really don't care. It does not hurt me. It does not make me feel worthless. Maybe, indeed, I have learned something?One funny (and a bit disturbing) thing about him is that in some ways he has always reminded me quite a bit of
ravndaniil. I don't mean they are in any way similar but there is something about the way they both express & carry themselves that is very much alike. And to see this guy is always a bit like seeing a very different and strangely twisted version of D., how I imagine he might have been had he taken his life into a it different direction, that is. I know this sounds silly and I shouldn't compare people to others but somehow these thoughts come to me every time I see this guy so I guess there is something for me to understand. And it also always reminds me of the fact that I really appreciate ravndaniil the way he is. :) I guess this is a bit weird line of thoughts.What was really interesting about the party was actually all the people. It was like being in a party among my friends even if I did not know anyone. So many strangers that somehow felt like they could belong to my friend circle, they could be someone I know and like and spend time with. So I guess, for the first time in a long time while being out somewhere among strangers "The Creep" did not start to play in my head after a while.. I felt I could belong there and that was rather surprising because even among nice & interesting people I easily feel weird & different and out of place. But it was really nice to talk with strangers. And I mean not just some boring getting to know you small talk but the kind of talk that really gives something, resonates within. It was good. :)
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Date: 2007-08-11 04:56 pm (UTC)From:no subject
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