show must go on..

I really don't know why this has been in my mind lately. I don't even like the band..

"Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for

Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for

I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends

The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show -

I'll drop the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on"

one more

I just woke up. I think my dreams were very close to those I had the day before yesterday. Good and bad and horrible and consoling at once.

I don't remember so much this time..


I'm in a house, singing to myself. Not with a very loud voice because I don't feel very sure about my skills. But I love the song so much that I sing anyway. Suddenly someone puts music on and I feel very disappointed and angry. I just wanted to sing but I no longer hear my own voice.

I go to the room and there is a girl in there and I ask from her why did she have to put the music in? And then I realize it's music by Maija Vilkkumaa and I'm not angry or disappointed anymore, just curious because I've wanted to hear her albums for ages. And I look at the album and the girl says it's the only one she has.

And I'm thinking about how difficult it is to live in a commune.. and how much I love my flatmates; all those women (from my witchy circle) I share this beautiful, colourful & alive wooden house with. And I have been talking with them about many things.

I go somewhere and there is a weary man and I know he's going to attack on me and rape me so I push him down the stairs.. just gently and he falls down to the street and hits his head. Stays laying there and I get worried ask if he's ok. If he's hurted and I feel terrible. And I am ready to call the police to come and get him with them somewhere safe, somewhere i know he has no emergency or danger but there comes a car on the road. I try to stop it but it does not stop. It hits him. Other people come by, in panic they start to help the man away from the street and I just feel this horrible fear inside when I think that you should not try to move the injured ones..

And then I'm a a forest and I'm running. I'm running so fast, not sure where I'm going or why but I know I must run because it is the right thing to do. And while I run I admire the beauty of the world around me. Sometimes it's as if I was running with 4 paws.

And I end up to a place which looks like from Miyazaki's animes; A sunny day and green fields and a little river perhaps. can't really tell.

And there is a house I belong to and someone standing on the roof. And I wave at him/her and I know it is why I came back.

And I fly on to the roof next to him/her and we hug and kiss and it is like never before. And we're both so surprised as it was completely out of our plans. I don't know who I am or if I'm a boy or a girl but in my mind there's an image of the two of us and the feeling of surprise and joy.

***

And then I wake up in the sound of the doorbell. And I feel out of place and shaking from head to toes. And I try to find some clothes to put on and it's difficult in the dark. And I remember I need the key. And I just wish the person would go away. Not sure I even heard the doorbell in the first place. Then it rings again and I get the key and my hands are shaking so much that it's terribly difficult to put the key in the keyhole and open the door.

While I'm struggling to do it the alarm clock starts to ring. Just a little moment after the doorbell. I do not know what to do so I just open the door and I now I must look awful and confused.

And there is a young girl out there speaking lousy Finnish, telling that she's from Poland, a student and trying to sell her art. I ask from which city is she from but suddenly she just doesn't want to understand Finnish anymore. But she shows me her pictures (if they really are hers) and most of them are ordinary crap. But I've already decided I'll buy as many as I can afford to buy.

I ask her to come in and I shut the alarm clock which is still ringing. And I try to choose which one of her pictures I'd take as I realize I can only afford buying one. They're all black and white pencil works except two colour prints and I know I will buy a colourful one. Can't choose. i don't really like either of them. And I don't even know if I believe anymore she's from Poland or made any of them by herself but I just don't care. She needs the money more than I do and I just need to do something completely out of reason.

So I let her choose for me and she does not hesitate. She says thank you and I have to open the door for her as my door is troublesome one. And just as she has left I realize I have my pentagram very visible and I wonder if she was scared of being there in my home, seeing me and my shaking hands.

And I don't feel so scared anymore.